If one more person asks me what I’m going to do when I graduate, I might have a panic attack.
From where I stand, the future, the real world, seems mysterious and more than a little bit terrifying. But despite the giant question mark that is my future, now more than ever, I feel like I actually have an idea of what I want to do.
Over the course of my life I’ve wanted to be a movie star, an ambassador, a veterinarian and everything in between. If you asked me at seven, I would have said I wanted to be a history teacher. At twelve, an author of young adult novels featuring a strong-minded and badass heroine. At seventeen, a swanky advertizing executive with a corner office. But despite my myriad of fantasy careers, I never knew what being any of those things really meant. They all attracted me for a variety of reasons, but none of them called me. They were things I thought I might want to do for a few years, but nothing I ever saw myself wanting to commit my life to.
Me with Gloria, an asesora, and Marcello, a credit offical, at the Carapegua office
A year ago, I finally thought I had it figured out. (Past me always seems to think she has everything figured out.) In the midst of one of my regular existential crises, I had stumbled across the field of economic development. Now here was something I could give my life to. It was dynamic, innovative, international, and it had a positive goal. I had become disillusioned with the cutthroat business opportunities I saw in front of me, and this offered a tangible alternative – a chance to use the drive and decisiveness my business education had given me for something good. Here it is, I thought, here’s what I want to do with my life.
I very quickly threw myself into learning everything that I could about the field. I read numerous articles and researched the big names in the field. I was brimming with excitement at learning about all of the incredible development innovations going on around the world. I desperately wanted to be a part of such a unique and evolving field. But despite my enthusiasm, my first real experience was disappointing. While studying abroad in London, I volunteered for a few weeks at a non-profit that focused on development. I figured starting at any development-related organization would set me up for a job closer to my interests in the future. I found myself doing mostly busy work – making flyers, copying data into spreadsheets. I didn’t agree with some of their fundraising tactics, and I ultimately didn’t feel like I knew anything more about economic development than when I started. I was disappointed, but unwilling to give up on the field entirely.
I applied, and I was ecstatic when I was accepted into the program. I found out I was going to be going to Paraguay (which sounded romantically exotic) and interning at a microfinance organization. It finally seemed like everything was coming together.
The class was everything I expected and more. Learning about economic development and social entrepreneurship in the classroom continued to draw me in and excite my interest. But what I most looked forward to was the field experience. I felt that I had a lot riding on the experience – it was going to be a make or break moment in whether I really wanted to pursue this field.
Dinner with my host family
Paraguay was incredible and eye-opening, but it was nothing like I expected. Every day there were incredible highs, tempered with disappointing lows. I was so enthusiastic in my anticipation of the experience that I had been looking at it through rose-colored glasses. The moments where I didn’t feel like I was accomplishing much, or where I was lost or confused, were undeniably difficult. Even more so because, no matter how many times I was warned that there would be challenges, I had convinced myself I would love every moment.
A women’s committee meeting near Coronel Oviedo, Paraguay
The truth is, I didn’t love every moment. Sometimes I was bored or cold or frustrated or uncomfortable. I came to realize that while I found microfinance interesting to study, I didn’t want to work at a microfinance organization long term. But for every moment I didn’t love, there was a moment I did. One of my coworkers brought me arroz con leche, insisting I had to try it. My host family brought me to a birthday party with the whole extended family. I learned to dance from girls at the agricultural school in Mbaracayu (which only further established my lack of rhythm). And I was continually impressed by the women’s committees I visited, who were able to turn what little they had into something viable to support themselves and their families. By the end of my time in Paraguay, I wasn’t thinking about how my experience would help me move onto the next step in my life, I was just enjoying it, living it.
The biggest thing I learned is that vocation is a journey, or a guataha in Guarani. I have always had the bad habit of thinking of events in my life as stepping-stones to whatever goal I have in mind. I’m a serial planner, and while I believe it’s good to look to the future, I found that was losing the present. Paraguay forced me to slow down and savor individual moments.
I found myself spending a lot of time on self-reflection. Why did I really want to
Michelle and I about to go zip-lining at the Mbatovi Nature Reserve
do this? Wouldn’t I just be more comfortable getting a regular business job that would support my shopping habit? But comfortable didn’t make me happy. I enjoy a challenge, the moment of being forced out of my comfort zone and realizing it’s not nearly as scary as I thought. It was like zip lining across a ravine or diving into a muddy Paraguayan river. At first, I was skeptical that I would enjoy those experiences, but once I took the plunge it was exhilarating. Living outside my comfort zone forced me to be self-aware and to grow from that self-awareness.
I don’t know what exactly I want to do with the rest of my life, but I no longer feel like I have to know right now. I found my path in a field that I love. Right now it is the journey along that path that is important to me. I am still discovering and honing my greatest gifts, and I am still exploring the way my gifts fit with the worlds needs. And I am ok with that.
Hanging out with children at the Mbaracayu Reserve
As I continue my journey and learn more about economic development and social entrepreneurship, I feel like I am closer to finding my niche within the field. Impact investing has recently begun to appeal to me because it engages the part of me that will always love the excitement of the business world and it would give me firsthand experience interacting with amazing social businesses that are innovating at the margin. But I am open to exploring many aspects and avenues of development.
From where I stand, the future, the real world, seems mysterious and more than a little bit terrifying. But it is also exhilarating, and I cannot wait to continue my journey.
