Compassion and Self Compassion

Posted on March 25, 2014 by writeherewritenow

“To follow the Tao,
Transcend ego.
Through loving compassion
And find yourself
In a higher sense.”
Tao Te Ching, 7

lotusThe wisdom traditions of Taoism and Buddhism teach the lesson of Oneness. Thus, compassion includes self-compassion. The more we can embrace our own feelings with kindness and acceptance, the more we can feel compassion for those around us. In fact, we cannot feel compassion for others without feeling compassion for ourselves.

Too many people forget this. Most of us are kinder to the people around us than we are to ourselves. We’re supportive to our friends when they make a mistake but harsh and critical to ourselves when we’re in the same situation. Psychologist Paul Gilbert has found that when we engage in self-criticism, our brains perceive it as an attack, triggering the stress reaction (Gilbert, 2009).

We treat ourselves this way because we’ve internalized the critical voices of our parents and teachers, or grown up blaming ourselves for dysfunctional family patterns. We develop a deep sense of unworthiness, attacking ourselves with harsh self-criticism when we’re down, increasing our suffering, locking ourselves up in the prison of ego.

We can transcend this unhealthy pattern by practicing self-compassion, expanding our sense of oneness,  our capacity to care for ourselves and others.

The next time you’re feeling down, shift into self-compassion with these three steps:

  1. Mindfulness.  Stop and ask yourself, “What is this?” “What am I feeling?” Name your feelings to yourself—“I feel sad, scared, hurt, angry, confused.”
  2. Common humanity.  As the Buddha taught, suffering is common to all humanity. Tell yourself, “It’s OK. It is human to feel and come to terms with the complexities of our humanity. No one’s perfect. Everyone makes mistakes.”
  3. Kindness to yourself.  Actively soothe yourself with kind words, giving yourself a hug by crossing your arms over your chest, squeezing your upper arms, and saying, “Poor dear, you’re really hurting right now” (Neff, 2011).

You can develop your capacity for both compassion and self-compassion with this loving-kindness meditation.

  • Take a deep breath, close your eyes and visualize someone you love—a dear friend or family member, even a beloved pet.
  • Say, “May you be filled with loving kindness. May you be well. May you be peaceful and at ease. May you be happy.”
  • Cross your arms over your chest and breathe deeply into your heart, saying for yourself: “May I be filled with loving kindness. May I be well. May I be peaceful and at ease. May I be happy.”
  • Then send loving kindness to other people you know, ending with a blessing for all beings: “May all beings be filled with loving kindness. May all be well. May all be peaceful and at ease. May all be happy.”

May you be filled with loving kindness.
Namaste,

Diane

References:
Gilbert, P. (2009). The compassionate mind. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: Stop beating yourself up and leave insecurity behind. New York, NY: William Morrow.

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Compassion, Clarity and Right View

Posted on March 15, 2014 by writeherewritenow

Searching for spring all day,
I never saw it,
Straw sandals treading everywhere
Among the clouds, along the bank.
Coming home, I laughed,
Catching the plum blossom’s scent:
Spring at each branch tip, already perfect.
– Sung Dynasty Nun

I loved reading Diane’s last blog. Taking the time and developing a practice of compassion and Right View will help your life and this world.

A professor I know in the Midwest is very involved in the administration of a large, research oriented university. Her decision making process is subject to a lot of pressures from many different constituencies. Because she knows she will be affecting the lives of many people working at her university, she keeps a little altar on a corner of her office. It is barely visible, and I only noticed that special place after my third visit to her office. It is a very simple table with a picture of a lotus flower.  I asked her: “how do you use it?” She smiled: “When I feel overwhelmed and my mind is racing, I take a few minutes to just simply breathe. This is especially important before meetings. I feel more clear after doing that. I do that for myself but also for others. ”

A boy walking along a winding path between two trees towards a setting sunZen master Bon Soeng states that “the first of the Buddha’s Eightfold Path is clear view, or right view. Right view means clarity. Right view means letting go of “my” view to be able to perceive the moment.” I believe that my friend is a successful mother and professional, a great leader, because of her practice and her ability to perceive the moment, act with compassion, and help this world.

You might try this practice:

  • Sit with your back straight and focus on your breathing.
  • As you are breathing in and out, allow yourself to simply BE for a few minutes.
  • Try to remember the different moments of your day.  Notice the moments when pressure and stress failed to give you clarity or to know how to respond to a situation. Watch those moments without judgment. Just notice how sometimes lack of clarity results in lack of compassion for others.
  • When you finish, write down your insights.  Write about the power of clarity and right view in order to act with compassion. Notice the way it affects your actions in life.

Peace,

Juan

 

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Cultivating Compassion

Posted on March 9, 2014 by writeherewritenow

images HHDL“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries.
Without them humanity cannot survive.”
The Dalai Lama

Are you too busy, too rushed to feel compassion for the people around you? Even when we have the best intentions, our capacity for compassion can be sabotaged by stress.

To understand how this happens, let’s go back to a classic experiment at Princeton Theological Seminary. One day in December, a group of ministerial students was assigned to give an impromptu speech. First, the students met individually with the researcher, who gave them their speech topics: either their future career in the ministry or the parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:29-37). Then they were told to go to the lab next door where their talks would be recorded. For some students, the researcher added another factor: telling them to hurry because they were running late.

One by one, the ministerial students went over to the lab on this cold December day, walking through an alley to the next building, where a young man was slumped in a doorway, apparently in distress, coughing and groaning. Some students stopped to ask if he needed help; some even took him inside and tried to get medical help. Others ignored him as they walked on by.

What made the difference? Not whether the students were going to talk about their future careers or the Good Samaritan, but whether they were in a hurry–rushing because they felt they were running late. The researchers even found that “on several occasions, a seminary student going to give his talk on the parable of the Good Samaritan literally stepped over the victim as he hurried on his way” (Darley & Batson, 1973, p. 107). These well-meaning ministerial students had been hijacked by the stress reaction.

As psychologist Marc Schoen has found our stress reaction is actually a fear response. When we’re rushing, our brain perceives a threat, triggering a primal fight or flight reaction. This reaction shuts down our cerebral cortex—our capacity for clarity, discernment, and compassion (Schoen, 2013). In our world today, the fear response is easily triggered as we rush to keep up with escalating demands at work, 24/7 connectivity, and mounting political and economic insecurity, haunted by fear of failure, fear of falling behind.

Chronic stress undermines our compassion, our health, and our relationships, but we can transcend it by adding brief compassion breaks to our days. Taking a few moments to release all the toxic stress reactions opens our hearts to a deep source of peace and renewal.

For your own good and the greater good of our world, you can begin taking compassion breaks. Here’s how. For the next few moments, turn off your phone or computer, and take time to just BE.

  • Close your eyes, take a deep breath and slowly release it.
  • As you breathe in, say silently to yourself: “Calm mind.”
  • As you breathe out, say silently, “Peaceful body.”
  • Feel your shoulders relaxing and tension slowly melting away as you focus on your breathing
  • Then open your eyes and open your heart to greater peace and compassion.

Namaste,

Diane

References

His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso. Quote from http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/d/dalai_lama.html

Darley, J. M. & Batson, C. D. (1973). “From Jerusalem to Jericho”: A study of situation and dispositional variables in helping behavior. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 27, 100-108.

Schoen, M. (2013) Your survival instinct is killing you. New York, NY: Hudson Street Press.

Tamayo-Moraga, S. (March 2014). Personal communication. This calming meditation is adapted from a practice by our friend and colleague Dr. Sarita Tamayo-Moraga, who teaches courses in Mindfulness and Eastern Religions at Santa Clara University and has a deep background in Buddhism and contemplative spirituality.

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Compassion and Action

Posted on February 27, 2014 by writeherewritenow

“Compassion is an aspiration, a state of mind, wanting others to be free from suffering. It’s not passive — it’s not empathy alone — but rather an empathetic altruism that actively strives to free others from suffering.”  Dalai Lama

One of my colleagues in the business school told me recently about his student, Raymond. He was very frustrated that he had to take a Business and Ethics class with a strong spiritual component. From the very beginning of the ten week class, he proudly announced he didn’t think the spiritual content of the class was relevant to his interests in business. My colleague, Tom, was open and clear about the goal of the class: “this is about finding a connection between business ethics and the world’s greatest spiritual wisdom. This is not about converting anyone.”

Raymond relaxed and in the next weeks he discovered that buddhism-blog-post-sand-ston-zenthe practice of compassion actually helps businesses.  There are plenty of studies that show that organizations that practice compassion become stronger and more successful. According to the CompassionLab, organizations of all kinds can be “sites of everyday healing and pain.” Greed, anger and desire are amplifiers, not solutions to the pain and suffering of the world. Our practice needs to find alternative solutions to the endless chain of pain that extends from the individual to families, from communities to nations, and to the whole planet.

Tom told me how at the end of the ten week course his student changed. He was more aware, more mindful and his behaviour was more open to others. The last day of classes they were walking together in the rain. On the corner, a homeless man was asking for a few coins. Raymond stopped and noticed the rain falling on the man. He gave his umbrella to the homeless person and said: “You need it more than I do.”

Try this exercise:

  • Sit with your back straight and focus on your breathing.
  • As you are breathing in, notice you are breathing in. As you are breathing out, notice you are breathing out. Try that for a few minutes.
  • Try to remember the different moments of your day.  Mindfully watch those moments in your  mind. Notice if during the day you watched somebody in pain and failed to help or to respond to that person. Watch without judgment. Just notice how sometimes we are so busy, we fail to see those moments when we could’ve helped.
  • When you finish, write down your insights.  Write about the power of compassion and openness,  and the way it affects your actions in life.

Peace,

Juan

 

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Information and Inspiration

Posted on February 24, 2014 by writeherewritenow

Know the sunlight
While confronting the shadows,
Becoming a leader to all.

Tao Te Ching, 28

starsWe experience a daily deluge of information—news, gossip, external demands, TV, radio, e-mail, Facebook, Twitter, and more. But we are much more than information. As astrophysicists remind us, we are made of the very elements of the stars. And, accordingly, the light of inspiration is essential to our nature. Without inspiration, that sense of meaning that illuminates our lives, something within us withers and dies. As Viktor Frankl found in a Nazi concentration camp, those people inspired by a sense of meaning–with someone to love, a book to write, something to live for–survived while others lost hope and died.

Great leaders have always communicated inspiration, bringing hope to the people around them. In the dark days of the Depression, Franklin D. Roosevelt affirmed that “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” During the Battle of Britain, Churchill raised his people’s spirits, affirming that this was Britain’s “finest hour.” In the 1960s, John F. Kennedy’s inaugural challenged Americans to “ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country,” and Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech touched the hearts of a nation.

A vital task for any leader is to communicate with heart, inspiring those around us. This does not mean imposing our will on a group and calling it vision. As Steve Privett, President of the University of San Francisco, once said, a leader must learn to “resonate with the sensus fidelium of a group.” All groups have a sense of who they are and what they believe in, values often hidden beneath the surface. A wise leader can discern these unspoken beliefs and articulate them, holding up a beacon of hope to light the path to the future.

Now it’s your turn–to break through the constant clamor of information to discover the light of inspiration within and around you.

Take a moment to pause, close your eyes, and ask: “Where do I find inspiration? When do I feel vividly, vitally alive?”

  • Think of a time when you felt a deep sense of joy—centered, energized, most authentically yourself.
  • Now ask, “What can I do to tap into this well of inspiration in my life today?”
  • Or think of someone you admire.
  • What character strength does this person represent for  you?
  • Now ask, “What is one thing I can do to express this quality in my life?”

As a leader—in your community, your workplace, or as a citizen in a democracy that calls us all to be leaders—how can you communicate inspiration:

  • Listen more mindfully to the people around you?
  • Discover essential common ground?
  • Recognize the sensus fidelium of your group?

In our fragmented, frantic society, when you can listen for inspiration within and around you, and communicate with heart, you will bring the light of healing to our world.

Namaste,

Diane

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What is Right Speech?

Posted on February 15, 2014 by writeherewritenow

The Buddha said, “And what is right speech? Abstaining from lying, from divisive speech, from abusive speech, and from idle chatter: This is called right speech.” (Samyutta Nikaya 45)

One of my best friends in the East Coast, Linda, called me a 670px-Write-a-Groom's-Speech-Step-3few days ago. She was ecstatic! She is getting married this summer after years of looking for her true love. I was so happy myself to hear the news. She didn’t have an easy life. A single mom, she combined the work of raising a child by herself with a challenging position working for a well-known corporation in the banking business. She is a smart, sensitive woman who had to confront many obstacles to arrive to this moment of professional, emotional and spiritual fulfillment in her life.

When her brother-in-law, Thomas, also in the banking business, heard the news, he also called to congratulate her. His words couldn’t be more hurtful: “It was about time. We never thought you would ever find anybody interested in you.” He was laughing but Linda was hurt. A perfect occasion for a moment of kindness and celebration became a way of undermining Linda’s confidence in herself, and a reminder of her many years of loneliness and self-doubt.

Zen master Seung Sahn used to teach a very simple Buddhist rule for life: “right situation, right relationship, right function.” He meant that in whatever you are doing, be mindful of the situation in which you find yourself in, notice the relationship between the individuals in that moment, and consequently find the correct words or correct action for that moment. Because Thomas failed to communicate correctly, his words turned Linda’s moment of happiness into a disturbing moment of self doubt and sadness.

Try this exercise:

  • Sit with your back straight, and focus on your breathing.
  • As you are breathing in, say to yourself: clear mind, clear mind, clear mind. As you are breathing out, you can say to yourself, don’t know focusing on a long exhalation. Don’t know means don’t hold on to anything, keep a mind clear and open like the sky.
  • Try to remember a moment when wrong speech was used. Mindfully watch that moment in your  mind. Notice the power of words and the way it changed the way you felt afterwords. Watch it without judgment. Just notice how those words changed the relationship with that person and the way you felt toward yourself.
  • When you finish, write down your insights.  Write about the power of language and the way it affects your life.
  • Breathe and smile.

Peace,

Juan

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The Power of Listening

Posted on February 9, 2014 by writeherewritenow

Those who know do not speak.
Those who speak do not know.

Tao Te Ching 56

I was walking to class one January day in 1986 when my friend Jeff crewcame running up, his eyes filled with tears. That morning, he told me, the space shuttle Challenger had blown up on takeoff, killing all the crew, including that beautiful teacher, Christa McAuliffe. My heart sank.

Why? What happened? I searched the news, the records of that fatal flight. The mechanical cause was a defective O-ring on the solid rocket booster joint, the human cause a failure to communicate.

NASA engineers had known about the O-ring problem for years. An internal memo on February, 6, 1979 acknowledged the defect, but NASA managers ignored it. In 1985, engineers found the O-rings seriously eroded after a launch in unusually cold weather, but managers did not listen. Before the 1986 launch, engineers at Morton Thiokol asked for a flight delay, worried about the extremely cold weather at the Kennedy Space Center. During a late night teleconference, the engineers who warned about the problem were overruled while others remained silent, intimidated by NASA managers. With the problem uncorrected and the nation watching, the fatal launch took place the next day, January 28, 1986.

Communication is certainly key to so many tragedies—as busy leaders we often rush around, trying to meet deadlines, too busy to listen to new information that threatens to slow us down. And yet, as leaders, it is our duty to practice deep listening. For if we do not listen, we won’t know the facts or achieve the necessary clarity to make the best decision.

Contemplative leaders know when to speak, when to pause, when to listen to the people around us. Contemplative leaders understand the power of listening. The next time you find yourself rushing, your heart racing, going too fast, unable to listen, take a moment to center down.

Pause for a moment before the next appointment.

  • Take a deep breath and slowly release it
  • Feel your feet on the ground,
  • Your breath gently grounding your body.
  • Tell yourself, “I am here, now.”
  • And slowly look around you,
  • More centered, more open, more present.

Namaste,

Diane

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Clear Mind and Right Communication

Posted on February 4, 2014 by writeherewritenow

“This is what should be done by one who is skilled in goodness and who knows the path of peace: Let them be able and upright, straightforward and gentle in speech, humble and not conceited, contented and easily satisfied.” Metta Sutta

I have known Robert for years; in fact, since I moved to the Silicon Valley in the year 2ooo. Robert is the manager of a small business in the area and works really hard to make his business a viable tool for others in a very competitive environment. He is generous and well intentioned. It is difficult, however, to watch my friend communicating with his co-workers.

right_speech2In meetings, his sense of humor ends up hurting others or creating an environment of self-deprecating gossip. He is not clear about his goals for meetings and perceives most of the comments he receives from others as attacks. He is not only defensive but often his reactivity leads him to say things that damage the morale of the people working around him.  After many years of observing him, I am convinced that his lack of success is not for lack of talent or hard work. I believe that all these years his main stumbling block has been his inability to communicate and inspire others.

right-speach-smOne of the main aspects of Buddhist practice is right speech. This practice involves taking responsibility for what you say, how you say it and when you say it. Words can destroy or build confidence in others. Words can create more war or contribute to peace. Words can provide creative leadership or humiliate and oppress the people around us. Right speech also involves deep listening. If you are not able to listen attentively, you will not be able to respond to the needs of your co-workers, your family, your friends or your relationships.

The practice of a clear mind can help us see the situation in front of us, perceive the relationship, and realize the correct words to say in that moment. A good leader, whether in the context of family, job environment or relationships, will focus on this intention very carefully before phrasing his/her opinions.

Let’s try this exercise:

  • Sit with your back straight, and focus on your breathing.
  • As you are breathing in, say to yourself: clear mind, clear mind, clear mind. As you are breathing out, you can say to yourself, don’t know focusing on a long exhalation. Don’t know means don’t hold on to anything, keep a mind clear and open like the sky.
  • Visualize a moment when you noticed a situation of right or wrong speech. Lovingly watch that moment in your  mind. Notice the power of words and the way it affected your relationship with that person. Watch it without judgment and just simply notice how it could’ve been different, and the consequences of a different form of speech.
  • At the end of your meditation period, write down your insights.  Write in your journal noticing the power of language to shape the reality of your mind.
  • When you are done, breathe and smile.

Peace,

Juan

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Winter’s Gifts

Posted on January 30, 2014 by writeherewritenow

Tao people live close to nature.
Their actions flow from the heart.

            Tao Te Ching, 8

IMG_0209Late January. Winter in the garden. Summer’s tomatoes are gone. The vibrant autumn leaves, now brittle and brown, crunch under my feet. Bare branches reach up to a cold gray sky. My garden is sound asleep. Rose bushes pruned back and dormant, cut back to bare canes. Yet in the garden each season has its own gifts, its own beauty.

This is contemplative time, when nature pauses to withdraw to its roots, storing up energy for a new season of growth. This pause is vital. In what is called the “chill factor,” apple and other deciduous fruit and nut trees must have a certain number of days below 45 degrees Fahrenheit (7 degrees Celsius) in order to blossom and set fruit.

Our lives, too, have their cycles and seasons. Contemplative time is essential for growth. January’s days are short, gray and overcast, and darkness falls early. If you’re exhausted from rushing through all the holiday activities, trying to keep up with work demands and New Year’s resolutions, take time now to pause and reflect on the quiet beauty of this contemplative season.

Make yourself a cup of tea at the end of the day.

  • As you hold the cup in your hands,
  • Breathe in its warmth and fragrance.
  • Sip the tea slowly.
  • Be still.
  • Take a deep breath and slowly breath out, releasing the remnants of last year’s demands and obligations.
  • Return to center,
  • Preparing your heart for new insights, new growth
  • To blossom in the days to come.

Namaste,

Diane

 

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Watch it-Name it-Release it

Posted on January 23, 2014 by writeherewritenow

During the moment of illumination,
When I see the original face of mind,
A limitless compassion arises.
The greater the illumination,
The greater is the compassion.
The greater my compassion,
The deeper is the wisdom I feel.

 – Garmaba

Last quarter I was teaching a class on autobiographical writing. It was an unusual large class with some older students. As we embarked on lifewriting as spiritual practice, some of the students struggled,with their experiences from the past. Suzanne, one of the older students, told me she knew exactly what the theme of her project would be–her almost suicidal relationship with alcoholism. She wanted to take this class to share with her group the lessons and the story of her life.

Koi_Zen_Garden,_TokyoAs the quarter progressed, however, she wrote a haunting, poetic manuscript about a lonely child. She titled the piece, “the brick builder.” It was the story of a child surrounded by a brick wall, a story of loneliness in the midst of great hunger for love and acceptance.  She never wrote about alcohol but developed, and completed, great scenes that provided great insight into her metaphor of her childhood.

Naming and releasingThe last week of classes, Suzanne, who at the time had become one of the most courageous writers in the class, broke down in tears: “We have been given a great gift. This writing helped me to see the pain, name it, and release it. If I had known this years ago, I wouldn’t have had the need to drink myself to death.”

Her advise was heartfelt and the younger students respected her courage and authenticity. I also admired her. I am convinced she made a great difference in the class.

Try this meditation for yourself:

  • Close your eyes, sit with your back straight, and focus on your breathing.
  • As you are breathing in, you can repeat this short mantra silently to yourself: clear mind, clear mind, clear mind. As you are breathing out, you can say to yourself, don’t know focusing on a long exhalation. Don’t know means don’t hold on to anything, keep a mind clear and open like the sky.
  • If your mind wanders, lovingly watch your mind, notice and name what is in there, and what keeps coming up over and over again.  Watch it without judgment and just simply name it as if you were contemplating a small boat flowing down the river.
  • At the end of your meditation period, write it down. Write without thinking, automatically, as if you were releasing everything you noticed; intentionally, write from your heart, through your arm, all the way down to the paper.
  • When you are done, breathe and smile.

Peace,

Juan

 

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