“To follow the Tao,
Transcend ego.
Through loving compassion
And find yourself
In a higher sense.”
Tao Te Ching, 7
The wisdom traditions of Taoism and Buddhism teach the lesson of Oneness. Thus, compassion includes self-compassion. The more we can embrace our own feelings with kindness and acceptance, the more we can feel compassion for those around us. In fact, we cannot feel compassion for others without feeling compassion for ourselves.
Too many people forget this. Most of us are kinder to the people around us than we are to ourselves. We’re supportive to our friends when they make a mistake but harsh and critical to ourselves when we’re in the same situation. Psychologist Paul Gilbert has found that when we engage in self-criticism, our brains perceive it as an attack, triggering the stress reaction (Gilbert, 2009).
We treat ourselves this way because we’ve internalized the critical voices of our parents and teachers, or grown up blaming ourselves for dysfunctional family patterns. We develop a deep sense of unworthiness, attacking ourselves with harsh self-criticism when we’re down, increasing our suffering, locking ourselves up in the prison of ego.
We can transcend this unhealthy pattern by practicing self-compassion, expanding our sense of oneness, our capacity to care for ourselves and others.
The next time you’re feeling down, shift into self-compassion with these three steps:
- Mindfulness. Stop and ask yourself, “What is this?” “What am I feeling?” Name your feelings to yourself—“I feel sad, scared, hurt, angry, confused.”
- Common humanity. As the Buddha taught, suffering is common to all humanity. Tell yourself, “It’s OK. It is human to feel and come to terms with the complexities of our humanity. No one’s perfect. Everyone makes mistakes.”
- Kindness to yourself. Actively soothe yourself with kind words, giving yourself a hug by crossing your arms over your chest, squeezing your upper arms, and saying, “Poor dear, you’re really hurting right now” (Neff, 2011).
You can develop your capacity for both compassion and self-compassion with this loving-kindness meditation.
- Take a deep breath, close your eyes and visualize someone you love—a dear friend or family member, even a beloved pet.
- Say, “May you be filled with loving kindness. May you be well. May you be peaceful and at ease. May you be happy.”
- Cross your arms over your chest and breathe deeply into your heart, saying for yourself: “May I be filled with loving kindness. May I be well. May I be peaceful and at ease. May I be happy.”
- Then send loving kindness to other people you know, ending with a blessing for all beings: “May all beings be filled with loving kindness. May all be well. May all be peaceful and at ease. May all be happy.”
May you be filled with loving kindness.
Namaste,
Diane
References:
Gilbert, P. (2009). The compassionate mind. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: Stop beating yourself up and leave insecurity behind. New York, NY: William Morrow.