The Buddha said, “And what is right speech? Abstaining from lying, from divisive speech, from abusive speech, and from idle chatter: This is called right speech.” (Samyutta Nikaya 45)
One of my best friends in the East Coast, Linda, called me a 
few days ago. She was ecstatic! She is getting married this summer after years of looking for her true love. I was so happy myself to hear the news. She didn’t have an easy life. A single mom, she combined the work of raising a child by herself with a challenging position working for a well-known corporation in the banking business. She is a smart, sensitive woman who had to confront many obstacles to arrive to this moment of professional, emotional and spiritual fulfillment in her life.
When her brother-in-law, Thomas, also in the banking business, heard the news, he also called to congratulate her. His words couldn’t be more hurtful: “It was about time. We never thought you would ever find anybody interested in you.” He was laughing but Linda was hurt. A perfect occasion for a moment of kindness and celebration became a way of undermining Linda’s confidence in herself, and a reminder of her many years of loneliness and self-doubt.
Zen master Seung Sahn used to teach a very simple Buddhist rule for life: “right situation, right relationship, right function.” He meant that in whatever you are doing, be mindful of the situation in which you find yourself in, notice the relationship between the individuals in that moment, and consequently find the correct words or correct action for that moment. Because Thomas failed to communicate correctly, his words turned Linda’s moment of happiness into a disturbing moment of self doubt and sadness.
Try this exercise:
- Sit with your back straight, and focus on your breathing.
- As you are breathing in, say to yourself: clear mind, clear mind, clear mind. As you are breathing out, you can say to yourself, don’t know focusing on a long exhalation. Don’t know means don’t hold on to anything, keep a mind clear and open like the sky.
- Try to remember a moment when wrong speech was used. Mindfully watch that moment in your mind. Notice the power of words and the way it changed the way you felt afterwords. Watch it without judgment. Just notice how those words changed the relationship with that person and the way you felt toward yourself.
- When you finish, write down your insights. Write about the power of language and the way it affects your life.
- Breathe and smile.
Peace,
Juan