Near the end of the Purgatorio in the Divine Comedy, Dante faces a wall of fire standing between him and a vision of Paradise. At first, he shrinks back in fear but then, realizing that his beloved Beatrice is on the other side, he bravely walks through the flames, emerging unharmed.
How often do we face a wall of fear when we approach a much-desired goal? We can shrink back, feeling anxious, overwhelmed, unworthy.
I faced the wall this summer when I began writing my new book. I’d been doing research for years, collecting files of notes and references. But with my concentration undermined by chronic family problems, I had lost my clarity, my confidence. In my writing process, each new book takes shape as I follow an overarching vision that guides me to new insights and discoveries. But this time, the vision was obscured by continual interruptions, demands, and distractions. The best I could do was to read and take notes.
Yet the longer I postponed writing, the more my confidence waned. As the demon of self-doubt hissed in my ear with accusations of unworthiness, the book project loomed like a mountain, distant and formidable.
This must be what happened years ago to a friend I’ll call James. In my first year of grad school at UCLA¸ James seemed the epitome of confidence. While I was nervous, the first member of my family to graduate from college, wondering if I could make it, he entered UCLA with a Master’s degree, already doing research for his doctoral dissertation. But something happened. As my other friends and I moved forward, completing our classes, comprehensive exams, and dissertations, somehow James got stuck. Over 20 years later, long after I’d gotten my Ph.D. and a tenured faculty position, he has still not finished his dissertation. For a long time, I could not understand it. But now I realize that like Dante, like many of us, he must have faced that wall of fear.
What helped Dante through, what helps us all through, is love, the only force greater than fear. Dante knew that Beatrice was waiting for him on the other side. I regained my initial inspiration and love for the Renaissance, giving me new momentum to move forward.
And as Dante discovered, once we walk through the wall of fear, it becomes a golden curtain, revealing greater clarity, greater discernment of our destiny.
Have you confronted a wall of fear standing between you and a much-desired goal? If so, what did you do about it? What did you learn?
If you’re facing this wall now, try this short meditation:
• Take a few moments in a quiet place to close your eyes.
• Take a deep breath and release it.
• Repeat this step, releasing any tension, feeling yourself come back to center
• Now breathe in love, the deep love that nurtures, inspires, and motivates you.
• Feel yourself surrounded by the golden light of love.
• Ask yourself “What is one small step I can take now?”
• See yourself taking that step: What does it look like? Feel like?
• Now see yourself stepping through a golden curtain and embracing your goal.
• Breathe in the joy of that feeling, the deep sense of gratitude.
• When you are ready, open your eyes.
• And take the next step, moving toward the light.
Namaste,
Diane