You were hoping to have dinner with your partner tonight. You both have been working late the last three nights in a row and have not had quality time over a meal. Your partner comes home late again tonight, and you say to them, “I feel neglected.”
Your partner responds defensively: “I have not neglected you. You know I have been very busy at work.” From here, the conversation may escalate into more violent words such as “you don’t know how to love me” or “you never supported my career,” etc. Now, rewind to the beginning of the conversation. Imagine this playing out instead:
You say: “I’m frustrated because we have not have dinner together the past three nights, nor tonight, and now I’m sad because I miss the quality time we usually have during dinner like asking about each other’s day or talking about a fun topic.” Your partner responds: “I miss the quality time we have during dinner too. I know we have missed having dinner with each other over three nights in a row. My work project takes up much of my time. Can we plan a ‘date night’ dinner together this weekend so we can really catch up, talk, and relax?”
Is there a difference in these two scenarios? Yes, the difference is compassion. Non-violent communication (or NVC) is a method of mindful and compassionate communication:
1) observe the need nonjudgmentally
2) note the feelings
3) describe the needs
4) and, finally, make the request.
Let us all be instruments of peace by speaking compassionately to one another. Try this 5 minute exercise the next time you anticipate having a difficult conversation with someone you care about:
- Light a candle and/or play some water-related music in the background (you can search for rainfall or ocean wave music on your phone; if you have a zen water fountain you may sit by it).
- Sit up straight without leaning back in a comfortable position and rest your hands downwards on opposite knees.
- Close your eyes. Breathe in for 7 counts and breathe out for 7 counts.
- You can’t help the way you feel, so do not fight how you feel. Allow your strong feeling to fill your body and seep into your skin on each intake, then release the feeling and think of water falling and disappearing or ebbing and flowing.
- Like water, allow how you feel to seep into your skin completely, then allow the feeling to release itself from your body. Do this for 5 minutes.
- When you have accepted how you feel, try to practice using NVC language when you communicate with the other party. Let us know what works and what does not work when you try using NVC.
Lindsey Nguyen
Hey there, great blog–to expand on this blog post’s main idea, I’m wondering how to respond in an NVC way to someone who starts out a conversation in a VC way–is there a way to change the discussion and rewrite the script mid-conversation? Thanks!
That’s a great question. We recommend to not react right away. Remain calm, breathe and count to 5 if you need to release initial intense feelings. Contemplate why the person said what they did. You can ask questions to try to get to the root of the issue such as: “I feel you are upset. Are you upset because you think I do not respect your time?” Be open to learning about the other person’s feelings. You must also be open about voicing how you feel in a NVC way as well. The more practice we have in NVC, the better we will be able to cope with difficult VC situations.
Thanks for explaining how to have healthier conversations–your example illustrates how discussions that engage compassion amidst competing emotions can make all the difference, and your concrete strategies for reaching a personal place of peace where that is possible is so helpful-thanks for sharing!
Thank you for the kind words. We hope you enjoy the rest of the blog!