The Path to Fulfillment
Canopy Walk in Ghana
It took me awhile to find a road to follow that would help lead me down a path of fulfillment and meaning. To say that I knew the profession I would acquire one day would be one of helping people, is far from the truth. Honestly, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, but I knew it needed to be something that brought me joy. It needed to be something I was passionate about and it needed to be something where I could wake up in the morning and be proud of what I was doing. It needed to give me drive, because if I know one thing about myself without passion, without excitement, without meaning, I get lost in what I am doing. The people that know me well could definitely vouch for this detail of my life. A good example would be my classes. The classes I have passion for or the classes I find challenging are the ones I thrive in. I enjoy a challenge. It is just who I am. When I can put my whole heart into my work it is truly noticeable. It feels like yesterday that I chose to enroll in Santa Clara University and then just like now I was terrified of the challenges that laid before me. For someone who likes to travel so much, it is odd how much I hate change and how it terrifies me so much. I am starting to realize though that it is the fear of change that keeps me coming back for more. But no matter how scared I am and how many butterflies fill my stomach, I continue to seek that jaw dropping, stomach twisting, nerve-frying excitement that accompanies change. Some people call it being an adventure junkie, but I prefer the terms lover of life or seeker of knowledge. There is just something about traveling to a new destination where the currency is different, the language is unrecognizable, the food turns my stomach and I stick out like a sore thumb that makes me feel at ease and at place in this chaotic world. Odd? Yes, believe me I am well aware of my circumstances. But, there is just something utterly relaxing about being thrown into a situation where you are not sure whether you are going to come out in one piece or fifty. And these elements are even better, when you throw work into the whole mix. It is really easy to pull out a camera and get a great shot, but I think it means a lot more to get that great shot when it is 100+ degrees outside and you have dozens of kids putting their little hands all over the lens of your camera. I think this thrill for adventure stems from my father. Let us take him for example… if brain surgery was not a big enough thrill lets drop him off in the middle of a third world country, have him operate on someone’s brain and spine and if that is not enough excitement for him, for fun lets just throw in rolling blackouts every ten to thirty minutes to spice things up. Some might call that crazy, but I say hell to being normal! For a long time I was plagued with the hope of being somewhat normal, but as I have grownup and as I continue to experience things like this fellowship I have begun to realize that normal is just not my following. It is not my calling and to be blunt I know if I am burdened with a normal life then I will be showing up to my ten-year college reunion in a straight jacket. Talk about normal. So call me crazy if you must, but I am starting to come to terms with the path that I am destine to live. Now do not take this as confidence, because if there is one thing I truly lack it is confidence. I am confident of who I am and I am confident that my path to fulfillment lies in a life of giving and helping those who cannot help themselves, but I would be flat out lying if I said I was confident that I am going to be able to live this life that I am so sure I am predestined to live. Because as much as I fear change, I fear failure even more. And the scary thing about failure is that it usually accompanies change. They kind of go hand and hand, because change comes with learning and most often learning comes with failure. So the question that seems to constantly trouble my thoughts is: Am I so scared of failure that I am too afraid to live a life a constant adventure and change? What I am learning is that practice makes perfect and that I must continue to receive change with open arms no matter if failure accompanies it or not, because I will never live a life of fulfillment if I continue to hide from my fear of failure. I sent the image of a normal life packing a long time ago. The image started fading ever since I decided to set a foot on that plane to Africa, and every minute of everyday that image becomes more fuzzy and unclear. But, as I try to make out some picture of normalcy in my life the more blurry the picture becomes, but as that image of a normal life fades, the image of whom my true self is begins to focus and I am finally beginning to see the pixels of my life and my calling become less grainy and more smooth.
The Start of My Travels Dar es Salaam, Tanzania
As I become more happy with whom I am, the more I have begun to understand the things that make me tick. I think the want for a normal life, was not necessarily me craving a normal life, but instead it was me wanting to understand who I was and why I felt so different from other people. I could never understand why I felt so differently than my other classmates about certain things. I was the child that would tear up when I saw someone eating dinner alone. The child that could see the good in the grumpy teacher or mean neighbor. I was the child that could see through the class bully, because I understood that there was something that was troubling him or her behind the hate. I have always credited myself for being able to understand people, but it has also made my life rather challenging. Often growing up, I have been plagued with a deep sadness and a mature understanding of life that has made me cynical. But as I age, I have begun to understand that this part of me is more of a blessing rather than a curse. As I continue to grow and experience new cultures, I have begun to replace the word failure with the word learning, helping me except who I am. I know I have much more growing to do, but for once I feel like I am on the right path and the word normal is slowly phasing out of my vocabulary. And for the first time, I can say for this I am truly happy. In life one is considered lucky if they understand who they are and they are even luckier if they are able to come to terms with it. As I continue to experience my life through an airplane window and from behind a camera, I can honestly say that I rather know I will never live a normal life than be blind to the person I am predestined to be.
So They Keep Asking Me: What’s Next?
So when people ask you the question: What’s next? People often do not like the answer, I don’t know. It usually makes people uncomfortable, because living a life of uncertainty is usually not coveted. Lucky for me I have a concept of what I want to do next, but I am not sure if I am making the right decision. I have decided to apply to the United Nations University in Tokyo for a Master’s of Science in Sustainability, Development in Peace and to The University for Peace in Costa Rica for a Master’s in International Law and Human Rights. I had to make a decision between three life paths after college and all three are paths I plan to follow one day, but the challenge was to decide how to go about them. The three paths are graduate school for peace studies, law school for international law and a profession in photojournalism. If my father had a say I would be going to law school right after college and if my heart had a say I would be starting a career in photojournalism right after college. But, sometimes one must make a decision that is going help them achieve their dreams in the long run and for me that was going to mean graduate school first. I have always been so blessed to grow up in such a loving family. I have also been blessed to grow up in a country where women have equal rights as men. A nation where I have the ability and opportunity to freely list the additional schooling I want to take part in without the fear of being silenced or merely laughed at. I have been privileged in more ways than one. My parents and country have given me the world and allowed me to follow my dreams, therefore, I have always hoped that the career I choose will somehow give to those children and women that have not been as lucky as I have to grow up in a world with endless opportunities. I feel that so many children, especially little girls, do not have anyone protecting them and looking out for their best interest. For example, my little brother Ben who is currently in the process of getting adopted and has spent most of his life with no one there to care for him and put his needs before their own. The other children I have cared for in the various orphanages I have worked at have had it even worse than him. To me the neglect and abuse of a child or a woman is the worst sin a person can commit and I one day hope to help put an end to these awful human rights abuses that are inflicted on some of the world’s most helpless individuals. I want to be able to give a voice to the voiceless and be there to protect those who do not have the ability to protect themselves. By getting my degree in peace studies I will be able to study the different human rights abuses that plague children and women all over the world. I will be able to learn skills of mediation and negotiation to help bring justice to those that are continually mistreated, especially those whose culture makes it socially acceptable to treat them inferior because of their age, race or gender. Next, I will attend law school. Law school with help me learn how to use the law to my advantage in protecting children and women from these human rights abuses. I can learn what it means to have the law on my side and with a law degree I will be considered credible when I speak out against human rights abuses that affect children and women. Last, I will tell the stories of these children and women through my photographs. I will tell their stories through images, so people can open their eyes to the horrific social injustices that are happening throughout the world. Sometimes writing does not tell the same story as pictures and with my love for travel I will be able to go to some of the most remote places in order to uncover these injustices. But, to do this I believe that there is a correct path in becoming an advocate for social justice and social change and I do not believe that begins with law school or photojournalism. I am not ready for law school and I am not ready to put myself out there to become a photojournalist yet. I feel that my first step is to attend graduate school and I think nothing would prepare me more for helping solve human rights abuses than studying peace and conflict from a university charted by the United Nations.
Capturing Stories Through Photography
Peace Pole at Nkrumah’s Place of Rest in Accra, Ghana
Through this fellowship, I have realized that this is the best path for me to follow and though I am scared to fail I know that if I can succeed in following this road I can truly do good. I am terrified that my dreams will end in failure. But I know if I do not go for my dreams, I will always regret not trying. This journey has been one of excitement, fear and self-knowledge. In the book Heroic Leadership, author Chris Lowney states that, “The person who knows what he or she wants can pursue it energetically. No one becomes a great teacher, parent, violinist, or corporate executive by accident” (Lowney 95). The more I grow the more I realize what I want in life. I am beginning to understand the person I want to be. Through the Global Social Benefit Fellowship I have begun to open my eyes to who I am, and gain knowledge on my strengths and weaknesses. I am finding it easier to recognize that the image of myself I used to think was the one I wanted portray was merely what society has illustrated as the normal life or correct path to follow. I am starting to come to terms with the fact that this is not who I am going to be and what makes me even happier is that I am happy that this is not who I am or will ever be. As I grow more and uncover my true self, I have become more passionate about my life and path to fulfillment. I might not be normal, I know I have more feelings than most combined together, but I think that is what makes me so good with people. It is what makes me special. The more I open my heart to change and failure and the more I realize being what society considers “normal” is not going to bring me happiness, the more I will end up accomplishing in my life and the more likely I will be able to fulfill my dreams. Everyday the true image of myself is becoming clearer and everyday I feel one step closer to finding a life of true contentment and happiness.