My time at Santa Clara has introduced me to the word \u201cvocation\u201d and I have slowly begun to understand it more and more. Yet understanding of the meaning has not come hand in hand with deep clarity of what exactly my vocation is. Still, in the past four years I have gained deep knowledge about myself, especially during my two experiences abroad with the Casa de la Solidaridad in El Salvador and the Global Social Benefit fellowship in Paraguay.<\/p>\n
My motivation to apply for the GSB fellowship came from four months in El Salvador where I learned more about the world and myself than I could have ever expected. Through the relationships I created in a small, rural community in El Salvador I came to understand the deep suffering that exists in the world and the reality of so many living in poverty. Exploring my own personal journey of struggle and falling in love with the people of El Salvador led me to a deep desire to serve others and work for social change. I felt more alive, present, whole and in touch than I ever had before and was incredibly inspired by the deep faith and hope that came hand in hand with the extreme suffering that I encountered in the people of El Salvador. The stories of the women in the small town broke my heart and I found myself angry at the injustices that characterize the world and the ways in which our privileged North American life styles are oppressive to so many in the global south. After seeing their strength and resiliency despite the suffering I knew that I had to find a way to devote my life to minimizing the suffering and inequality, to working for social change and to educating people about the deep injustices that exist. I saw GSB as a perfect next step in my vocational discernment. In El Salvador I came to understand the importance of relationships and listening yet left unsettled knowing I needed to be able to do something more than just listen, I had to find a way to put my education and privilege to use in bettering the lives of the people who had become my family and so many others around the world.<\/p>\n
Upon arriving in Paraguay I was excited about the potential of Social Entrepreneurship, I saw the value of combining the private and public world to bring resources and knowledge to the great needs of the world.\u00a0 I was hopeful to come out on the other end with a better understanding of a concrete way I could engage in the painful reality of the world.I found myself in a small office in Coronel Oviedo, separate from the other two fellows and perplexed at what exactly it meant for me to be there. Early on I wrote in a blog \u201cSo what is my place here? Honestly right now I have no idea. There is so so much I don’t understand about the organization, the country, the culture, the list goes on… so how can I be of assistance to this organization and the people of Paraguay?\u201d Throughout my time I struggled with the same questions. The office didn\u2019t have time to give me a specific project, I didn\u2019t fully understand their mission and work and they didn\u2019t understand how I could be of use to them.<\/p>\n
The challenge of being alone in a completely different context and of not having a concrete project created a space for a lot of internal processing and forced me to further question my role in the world. My time in El Salvador with the Casa program prepared me incredibly well for the challenges I encountered in Paraguay. In El Salvador I learned about the importance of relationships and learning about a people and a culture before being able to make an impact. This became incredibly clear to me in Paraguay, as I was aware of how little I understood and how important it was to me to have direct interaction with the women who were receiving the loans. I needed to get to know them and have a relationship with them in order to understand what they needed. The focus on spirituality in El Salvador gave me a basis for understanding the importance of reflection and processing. With this knowledge I found a deep comfort in a spirit greater than myself and really learned to trust that the experience was more than I could see in the challenging moments during my time in Paraguay. I spent hours journaling and was forced to confront the confusion on my own. I learned to listen to the movements of my heart and found the ideas of consolation and desolation incredibly helpful. The frustration left me much more aware of the moments where I found consolation and joy. I felt a stillness and strength in my independence that had been lacking in the previous months after being rocked by the reality of El Salvador. I saw the needs of the Paraguayan people and grappled with how I would fit in yet also found a sense of patience and peace in letting the process happening and slowly coming to understand more and more.<\/p>\n
When watching Reverend Michael Himes speak of \u201cThe Three Key Questions\u201d images of my time in both El Salvador and Paraguay flash through my head. He asks what brings you joy and clarifies between joy and satisfaction. He explains that satisfaction can be a barrier to one\u2019s vocation, illustrating that a desire to grow and continue to question is important in one\u2019s vocation. Contentment and satisfaction can lead one to be stagnant. I was reminded of the constant questioning that happened in both contexts. I have found that in the context of suffering I constantly find myself searching for ways to better engage in the reality of the world, to be more sensitive, more aware and better able to serve the needs of the people. I found great joy in sharing in the reality of both countries, when the women were able to be vulnerable with me and let me into their worlds. While in Paraguay I was inspired when I was in the field with the women. Their motivation to use the loans to generate income for their family, team work, problem solving skills and gratitude reminded me of the hope and resiliency of the people of El Salvador.\u00a0 I love the chance to learn more, to see the world from a different perspective and to step back and appreciate my lack of knowledge and celebrate the wisdom and wealth of spirit of the people in the developing world. I am inspired by them and invited to engage in their joy and pain in a way that compels me to make social change. I find joy in direct interaction, in learning and teaching, in genuine conversations about what matters and in situations where I am challenged to look beyond myself. I find joy in creating community and supporting people in their journey due to the great amount of support I have received on my own journey.<\/p>\n
Just as the experience brought light to the moments I found joy I became aware of things that do not bring me joy as well. I become frustrated when I feel that success is solely measured in numbers and the complexity of human nature is minimized. I get frustrated when people who are in need are not being served in a way that helps them to grow as human beings and appreciates their specific needs and dignity. I was frustrated with the inability of the Fundacion Paraguaya to provide the women with integrated education and support and came to believe that service done with some what of a distance between the provider and the client can frequently leave holes and unmet potential. I found myself craving time with the women, aware of how important it is for me to truly know and understand a people before I am able to serve them. My experience in Paraguay gave me a chance to truly listen to myself and to be present to the moments in which I felt joy and those that I did not. Being alone in a challenging context gave me a quiet space to observe my reactions, thoughts and emotions giving me a stronger understanding of my own desire to make social change through relationships and direct service and my joy in really taking the time to understand people and their needs.<\/p>\n
In continuing vocational discernment, the next key questions is \u201cAre you good at it\u201d a question that I struggled with while in Paraguay. What skills do I have that can be of any use to this organization? Why am I studying \u201cInternational Development\u201d when I know so little about the rest of the world? I felt discouraged, clueless and helpless but was grounded by the moments when I was reminded of the simple fact that I am an extra pair of hands, I have another perspective and I truly can learn about the cultural context of an organization. One of the asesoras<\/em> Cristina asked me to help her with the socioeconomic survey. The first day I stumbled over my words, asking questions in a way that elicited confusion and was not culturally sensitive. I slowly learned to ask the questions in a different manner and was reminded of the depth of cultural sensitive that was needed.\u00a0 I realized I could slowly learn by doing, by asking, by engaging and even by the specific tone and manner in which I presented myself. I know that I am good at creating relationships, I am good at being flexible, open and sensitive. I am good at teaching and analyzing the deeper effects of both problems and solutions. I also feel that I have an eye for seeing the whole person, something I have learned from my Jesuit education and time in El Salvador. I never once doubted the women for the ability to use the loans for good use yet also was aware of the ways in which the Fundacion could supplement them to allow them more success. I understood that the asesoras<\/em> were working as hard as they could and that their inability to provide each individual with the support they may have needed was more an organizational fault than the fault of the individual. I was able to listen closely and take in the reality, allowing it to slowly form my understanding of the context.<\/p>\n Finally he asks \u201cWhat does the community in which you live in need from you\u201d? This question is still the most challenging for me. I see the need, I see the pain and I feel the heartbreak and suffering of these people living in deep poverty in a way I never could have without meeting them. I understand that many live without enough food, that their water is dirty and they are getting sick too easily. I see that they are oppressed and forgotten. Yet sometimes these needs overwhelm me, where should I start? How do I decide where to devote my time? It brings me back to the questions of cultural understanding. We must know a people before we can serve them and in this moment I feel better equipped to serve the people of El Salvador who I spent four months getting to know than the people of Paraguay who I feel I did not get to interact with enough. \u00a0Still I wonder if I will ever be able to understand and provide the people of another country with what they need. I believe that they need education yet I also believe strongly that the people of the United States need education. I feel passionately about exposing privileged North Americans to the reality of the global south. I have learned that falling in love with people ignites a deep desire to serve them. I see the model of the Casa de la Solidaridad as having long term, wide spread impacts in a way that GSBI also does. By providing education to people who will go on to put it to good use. I struggle to understand what order the need comes in, food, health, education, shelter, dignified work- the list of needs is unending. While in Paraguay I was challenged by the idea of the people needing access to financial capital. Yes they need to be able to generate income but I do not believe that simply loaning them money is enough, they need more than that. Then need to learn and be provided with tools and education that help them to improve their lives as individuals rather than relying on others, not because we cannot provide it but because we are all dignified human beings. We all have the right to work towards the betterment of ourselves, our families and our world. \u00a0But where do I fit in the picture? What can I do well and enjoy that will fulfill the needs of the world? That is the question that I will continue to ask and the journey of vocational discernment that I have only just begun to scratch the surface of.<\/p>\n In the past four years I have come to understand what vocation means and have found tools that will continue to help me discern my own vocation. I have made great progress in understanding the great needs of the world and the necessity for me to devote my life to a life of service for others. The inequality that exists leaves me unsettled and heart broken to the point where I have no choice but to find a way to work for change. Equally as important, I have sorted through some of my own greatest personal challenges and have closer and closer to the truth of my heart. My experience this summer taught me to listen to myself and showed me what it feels like to feel joy and frustration, it gave me the space to ask what I am good at and to further explore the needs of this world. While there is I have not had an earth shattering experience clarifying my vocation I have made great progress in moving towards discovering it and have sharpened my tools for continuing on the journey.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" My time at Santa Clara has introduced me to the word \u201cvocation\u201d and I have slowly begun to understand it more and more. Yet understanding of the meaning has not come hand in hand with deep clarity of what exactly my vocation is. Still, in the past four years I have gained deep knowledge about … Continue reading