![\"11817242_10204693301323445_5028784748380908957_n\"](\"https:\/\/blogs.scu.edu\/gracematthews\/files\/2016\/04\/11817242_10204693301323445_5028784748380908957_n-300x300.jpg\")
My mom and I relaxing before I left for India last summer.<\/p><\/div>\n
I grew up in a family of four. My older sister is the oldest, my younger brother is the only boy, and my younger sister is the youngest. As I liked to remind my mom time and time when I was younger, I should be entitled to special privileges as simply the second child. What that really meant is that I fully recognized my spot as the true middle child, and I exemplified every middle child stereotype imaginable. I worked especially hard when working with or against my siblings, who honestly could not have cared less, and have maintained an unrealistically competitive attitude since the day I knew I understood the concept of winning. I find it very hard to talk about myself for very long without talking about my siblings. I see so much of myself in them and I see so much of them in myself that I truly can’t imagine a complete assessment of who I am outside of my role as a sister.\u00a0Going to high school with all of them, and now college with one of them, I have realized that I very highly prioritize them in my life. Much to their dismay I feel like a second mother constantly linking new recipes or quirky items or opportunities in which they would thrive to their iMessage, Facebook, Instagram, or basically any way that I can get them to listen to me.<\/p>\n
![\"Screen](\"https:\/\/blogs.scu.edu\/gracematthews\/files\/2016\/04\/Screen-Shot-2016-04-12-at-4.12.00-PM-300x102.png\")
My siblings and I on a boat in San Diego.<\/p><\/div>\n
When I was 8 years old, my mom became a single mom. Throughout the years, I don’t think any of my siblings and I truly understood what it meant for her. We saw it very much from the side of us not having a father to raise us, but not from the side of my mom not having a spouse with whom to raise four children. As I have grown up and grown to appreciate every sacrifice she ever made for us, I have come to see how incredible a source of inspiration my mom has been for all of us. My mom lived a very full life before finally settling down in her late 30s and having us four kids in a span of 4 years and 4 months. She managed businesses, started her own business, kept four very annoying kids all in line enough to pursue postsecondary education, and somehow managed to stay sane throughout the entirety of the\u00a0process. When looking for role models in my life, I got lucky that I don’t have to look very far at all. She is one of the strongest women in my life, and I can’t imagine a life without her constantly encouraging me to take the next step and find the next opportunity.<\/p>\n
![\"Screen](\"https:\/\/blogs.scu.edu\/gracematthews\/files\/2016\/04\/Screen-Shot-2016-04-12-at-4.12.58-PM-300x193.png\")
My mom being an all-around rockstar when she had 4 kids under the age of 5.<\/p><\/div>\n
As a high school student, I aimed to be the ultimate Wildcat (our school’s incredibly generic mascot). I played two varsity sports (swimming and water polo), served on student council (junior class representative and student body vice president),\u00a0left for my hour long commute to school at 6:45am and didn’t leave for home until after 5 on an early day, led every retreat I could manage, and joined just about every club they would let me into. I was at every play, choral concert, dance, and presentation I could attend in addition to my other commitments. Throughout all of this I continued to swim on my club team at home and play club water polo during my “off-season.”<\/p>\n
![\"241A07C4-09EE-41A0-A220-5CFA24BA7AF9\"](\"https:\/\/blogs.scu.edu\/gracematthews\/files\/2016\/04\/241A07C4-09EE-41A0-A220-5CFA24BA7AF9-e1460508605357-225x300.jpg\")
Me, coming from swim practice and heading to chemistry bowl.<\/p><\/div>\n
Coming to college, I expected nothing to be different. As I came into college as a completely blank slate however, I realized that a lot of the things that I had been doing in high school, although I had loved each and every one of them, had been to check boxes on a resume. Athlete? Check. Student Council? Check. Filled up your calendar completely with no end in sight? Check.<\/p>\n
As I went through my first quarter at Santa Clara, I realized that I still needed a full schedule, thats just who I was. And so as I have gone through my time in college, I have simply tried to be more intentional about the kinds of activities with which I am filling my schedule. I ask myself “What can I learn from this experience?” instead of “How will this look on a resume?”, or “How will this contribute to the betterment of society?” instead of “How many more hours can I spend with my friends?” This has led to an equally packed and arguably more emotionally exhausting calendar, but I can truly feel myself doing something productive either for myself or for my community every step of the way.<\/p>\n
![\"Screen](\"https:\/\/blogs.scu.edu\/gracematthews\/files\/2016\/04\/Screen-Shot-2016-04-12-at-4.53.20-PM-245x300.png\")
An action shot of me playing water polo.<\/p><\/div>\n
Growing up with three kids who were for all intents and purposes my same age led me to be incredibly social from birth. At all times I had at least one friend around me; there are few photos of me all by myself before the age of 10. Throughout elementary school and high school I felt the need to surround myself with as many people as possible at all times. Senior year I found out that a girl did not particularly like me, and I decided that it was because she didn’t know me well enough. I casually started interacting with her more and more until I knew that I had changed her mind. This was just the kind of person I was! I put myself into every activity to try to expand my social circle, and I continue to do this. Every new experience is an opportunity to meet new people.<\/p>\n
In college I’ve been an orientation leader, a student teacher for 8-11 year olds, a fellow for several different programs, amongst other things, all while taking a full load of classes and attempting to maintain a social life. Last summer, I experienced something new: loneliness. At the beginning of the summer, none of my friends were home from school and I spent quite a few weeks completely alone during the daytime. When it came time for me to leave for India, I was panicked. I had never done something that big alone before. I would have been nervous if I had been going to live with nuns and work at a hospital with a group of people, but I was going completely by myself. As it sunk in on the plane ride over how truly alone I could be, I entered into a self-perpetuating cycle of isolating myself. When I came back for the fall quarter, I moved into an apartment alone, as all of my housemates were abroad. Nearly everyone I had lived with or befriended within the past two years was in another country. I went from my over the top social self in the spring of the same year\u00a0to a stressed out ball of anxiety who found it difficult to leave my room.\u00a0I still had a very busy schedule, I couldn’t let anyone down, but for the most part, if I didn’t absolutely have to be out of bed, I wasn’t.<\/p>\n
![\"IMG_4545\"](\"https:\/\/blogs.scu.edu\/gracematthews\/files\/2016\/04\/IMG_4545-300x225.png\")
Me, standing beside a dam in Talasari, India last summer.<\/p><\/div>\n
I would love to say that everyone came back from abroad and my support system and social circle fell back into place just as it had been before, but thats simply not true. I have come out of the past 9 months of loneliness with floods of questions about who I am outside of these circles and what true friendship is, and its something I am still struggling with.<\/p>\n
How does this relate to being a Global Social Benefit Fellow? As of late, I have had more of an urge than usual to truly get something done in the world. I have also\u00a0been bending over backward to figure out who I am in the big, beautiful world I inhabit. And with that, I look forward to every experience, every up and down and in between that is to come with the next 9 months ahead of me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
As I sit down and try to think about how I have gotten to where I am now, there are so many experiences and people that have shaped who I am today. How did I get to heading into my … Continue reading