{"id":77,"date":"2017-11-21T04:26:51","date_gmt":"2017-11-21T04:26:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.scu.edu\/gkrueger\/?p=77"},"modified":"2017-11-21T04:26:51","modified_gmt":"2017-11-21T04:26:51","slug":"lost-found","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.scu.edu\/gkrueger\/2017\/11\/21\/lost-found\/","title":{"rendered":"Lost & Found"},"content":{"rendered":"

To Thane, Keith and the other fellows in Uganda for keeping me sane and loving me through the ups and the downs. <\/em><\/h4>\n

Vulnerability and Authenticity<\/em><\/h3>\n
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Beautiful Uganda.<\/p><\/div>\n

I packed two books with me when I left for Uganda: Man\u2019s Search for Meaning <\/em>and Eat, Pray, Love<\/em>. If it wasn\u2019t obvious from the book choices, clearly I was looking for something. Junior year was a whirlwind of over-commitment and stress and I could not have been more ready to get away from all of it. My goals for my time in Uganda were two-fold. First, I wanted to disconnect from the craziness of university life in America and fully engage with every experience in Uganda. I find a lot of things in modern American culture to be pretty pointless, so I was eager to be able to focus on things that really matter, like learning about new cultures, reducing poverty and improving maternal and child health. Second, I wanted to focus on myself and seriously contemplate my vocation and direction in life. These goals may sound ambitious, but I was committed! I deleted all my social media accounts and said goodbye to my iPhone, opting instead for one of those Nokia brick phones. The place that Will and I were living had no Internet so I truly had nothing to distract me from achieving my goals. The other fellows in Uganda may have made fun of my new lifestyle, calling me \u201cGrace off the grid,\u201d but I knew it was what I needed to rebalance and focus my life.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d never considered myself a terribly emotional person before this summer, mainly because I never made time for emotions. I pride myself on being a person who\u2019s independent, involved in a lot of things, has a wide social circle and seemingly has it all together. I keep myself so busy that during the school year I typically have about 30 minutes of free time a day. I usually like to use that time to shower or lay down and very rarely do I find myself reflecting on or contemplating life and my happiness. I like to keep myself unemotionally attached because I find it easier that way. It\u2019s less messy, but I\u2019ve also found that it\u2019s less authentic.<\/p>\n

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A woman washing her clothes in the river.<\/p><\/div>\n

In Uganda I experienced just about every emotion possible. I was so over-stimulated and overwhelmed by the things we were seeing in the field that I had absolutely no idea what to make of it all. It also didn\u2019t help that I suddenly went from having about 30 minutes of free time a day to about 7 hours a day. And with no distractions from my phone, the Internet or social media, I was truly alone with my thoughts. And boy did I dwell on the experiences I was having and the emotions I was feeling. I spent a lot of time alone in my room thinking and crying and feeling sad and lonely. I felt sad because of the poverty and healthcare disparities I was seeing and because I didn\u2019t know how to process how immensely privileged I am. I felt lonely because my experiences and emotions were difficult to put into words and I thought that no one else would understand.<\/p>\n

When I came home from Uganda, I found myself not even wanting to talk about my experiences. When I passed friends on campus they\u2019d ask how Uganda was and I would say \u201cGreat!\u201d and keep on walking. While my experience this summer was great, it was so much more than that. It was lonely, it was inspirational, it was exhilarating, it was uncomfortable, it was eye-opening, it was empowering, and it was heartbreaking. It was indescribable and full of contradictions and it shook me to my core. How could I explain that to friends I passed by on campus? I couldn\u2019t, so I went with the easy answer, \u201cgreat.\u201d But after a while I hated that answer. I hated the way it tasted in my mouth and I hated how inauthentic it felt.<\/p>\n

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Forever thankful for my friendship with Lauren.<\/p><\/div>\n

I think I had a really hard time reflecting on my experiences and figuring out how to explain them to people because I didn\u2019t want to revisit the emotions I felt. When I returned to the U.S. and to school, I reverted back to that busy, emotionally unattached girl. I avoided reflecting on Uganda because I didn\u2019t know how to make sense of it all and it made me sad when I did think about it. But as the fellowship came to a close, I got scared that if I didn\u2019t internalize and make sense of these memories that they\u2019d soon slip away from me. So here are some things I\u2019ve learned throughout this reflection process. First, it\u2019s okay to not be okay sometimes. Everyday isn\u2019t going to be perfect and emotions are a part of human life. My emotions don\u2019t make me weak, but instead powerful if I channel them into something productive. Second, people care when you open up to them. I never liked to express my emotions to friends because I didn\u2019t want to be needy. But when you\u2019re out of your comfort zone in a developing country, friends who understand what you\u2019re going through are invaluable. The friendships I formed with the other fellows in Uganda continue to be some of my most cherished relationships. Third, too little or too much free time isn\u2019t good for me. Too little free time leaves me emotionally disconnected, and too much free time can cause me to overthink things and become emotionally overwhelmed. While I\u2019m still working to find the right balance, I\u2019m trying to stay more connected to my emotions by meditating and keeping a daily journal. It\u2019s these times in my day that I can hear the still, small voice inside me and re-center myself. I\u2019m an imperfect and flawed person, but I\u2019ve never felt more connected with who I am and who I want to be than I do at the end of this fellowship.<\/p>\n

Next Steps<\/em><\/h3>\n

Since returning from Uganda, I\u2019ve completely eliminated becoming a doctor from my list of potential career paths. And it feels great! Don\u2019t get me wrong, being a doctor is a noble profession, but it\u2019s just not for me. After happening upon and exploring the field of global health, I\u2019ve decided that\u2019s what I want to dedicate my life to. Having experienced the health disparities in the developing world first hand, I\u2019m inspired to combat the unjust social equilibriums that hold these disparities in place.<\/p>\n

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My favorite type of social engagement.<\/p><\/div>\n

As I think back to Getting Beyond Better<\/em>, I went through the \u201cUnderstanding the World\u201d stage while I was in Uganda. I apprenticed with the problems and became outraged by the current social equilibriums. Directly engaging with the beneficiaries of Nurture Africa allowed me to realize that that\u2019s the type of social engagement I enjoy. While Will excelled at writing the surveys and extracting data from the patient database, my favorite part of our research project was sitting with clients and hearing their stories. It was hearing the pain and the joy in their voices, and seeing the emotions on their face that was truly inspiring to me.<\/p>\n

Now I\u2019m in the \u201cEnvisioning a New Future\u201d stage. While I\u2019m young and unattached, I want to work as proximal to the beneficiaries as possible. Ideally, after graduation I would move back to the developing world (hopefully Africa) and work with a health related social enterprise for a few years. After that I\u2019d like to return to the U.S. and get my Master\u2019s degree in Global Health or Public Health. Ultimately, I\u2019d like to work for a global health firm like PATH. Will my career path end up like this? I don\u2019t know, but what I do know is that I sure have a lot more direction in my life than I did before this fellowship.<\/p>\n

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What’s calling me back.<\/p><\/div>\n

After having such an emotionally draining experience, why do I want to go back to Africa? While this experience shook me to my core and broke me, it also gave me direction. Neafsy says, \u201cOne of the most privileged and sacred places where the Voice can be discerned today is in the needs and sufferings of our fellow human beings. We hear it by listening with an open heart to the cry of the poor and the oppressed.\u201d I think the raw emotions and vulnerability I felt in Uganda this summer represent my listening with an open heart. Hearing the cry of the poor up close is both deafening and enraging. It\u2019s maddening to me that the poor need to cry in the first place. And it\u2019s maddening that so many people in the developed world have gone deaf to this cry or choose to put earplugs in. It\u2019s a cry that rings in my ears and I can\u2019t get out of my head. But it\u2019s not just a cry anymore, it\u2019s a call. Africa is chaotic and uncomfortable but it\u2019s taught me more about myself and about the world than any class or professor has. And I don\u2019t think it\u2019s done teaching me yet.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Looking Forward<\/em><\/h3>\n

It\u2019s funny, I never finished either of the books I brought with me to Uganda. The parts I did read were great, but I think I realized that instead of reading other people\u2019s stories of finding themselves, I needed to write my own. While these books could offer me hope, only I could piece together and make meaning out of the experiences I had.<\/p>\n

They say that sometimes, you need to lose yourself to find yourself. I lost myself in Uganda. It was one of the most challenging, vulnerable, and powerful chapters of my life. It made my question my worldview, my values and what I believe about myself and my place in this world. But in the time following my return, I\u2019m slowly finding myself again. Not the same me, but a new me. For a long time I think I was scared of listening to the still, small voice inside me. But I\u2019m not anymore. I feel powerful and inspired and ready to tackle all that life has to offer. While I have a lot more chapters of my life to write, the chapter on Uganda and my time as a Global Social Benefit Fellow will always be one that\u2019s dog-eared. One that I can turn back to when I feel lost or when I\u2019m questioning what really matters in life. This chapter represents one of the most formative periods of my life and one that truly altered my sense of direction for the better. And for that, I could not be more thankful.<\/p>\n

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The sun setting in Sipi Falls.<\/p><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

To Thane, Keith and the other fellows in Uganda for keeping me sane and loving me through the ups and the downs. Vulnerability and Authenticity I packed two books with me when I left for Uganda: Man\u2019s Search for Meaning … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2033,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"qubely_global_settings":"","qubely_interactions":"","kk_blocks_editor_width":"","_kiokenblocks_attr":"","_kiokenblocks_dimensions":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-77","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"gutentor_comment":0,"qubely_featured_image_url":null,"qubely_author":{"display_name":"Grace Krueger","author_link":"https:\/\/blogs.scu.edu\/gkrueger\/author\/gkrueger\/"},"qubely_comment":0,"qubely_category":"Uncategorized<\/a>","qubely_excerpt":"To Thane, Keith and the other fellows in Uganda for keeping me sane and loving me through the ups and the downs. Vulnerability and Authenticity I packed two books with me when I left for Uganda: Man\u2019s Search for Meaning … Continue reading →","post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.scu.edu\/gkrueger\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/77","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.scu.edu\/gkrueger\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.scu.edu\/gkrueger\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.scu.edu\/gkrueger\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2033"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.scu.edu\/gkrueger\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=77"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.scu.edu\/gkrueger\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/77\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":85,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.scu.edu\/gkrueger\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/77\/revisions\/85"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.scu.edu\/gkrueger\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=77"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.scu.edu\/gkrueger\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=77"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.scu.edu\/gkrueger\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=77"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}